Wolfs Hollow
by devorador
Summary: Stiles goes to Stars Hollow to house sit for babbette and the pack follows, along with some unwanted visitors. hilarity ensues. crack fic.


Chapter 1: Friendship most definitely begins with a maze and Ms. Patty's lingering hands

/ / / / / / / /

"You're going where?" was Derek's response when Stiles walked into the pack cave (aka the newly restored Hale house) and announced that he had to house sit for his Cousin in Connecticut.

"Geez, I though you guys had super hearing," Stiles spoke. At the alpha's glare, he held out pacifying hands and continued. "I'm going to Stars Hollow to watch their house and garden gnomes for two weeks, while they go on another honeymoon of sorts."

All the pack members blinked, just sitting in various piles in the living room, staring at Stiles in silence. It was freaking the boy out. He'd never seen the rowdy teens this quiet. After a minute or so of terse silence, Stiles decided to go back home to pack a bag.

His father, the sheriff, didn't like to talk much about his eccentric cousin with the crazy hair, raspy voice and insanely cool husband. As kids, he knew she was 'special' and he worried if she would get accepted into society, but his worries were laid to rest when beyond all odds, Babette found the one town, in all of USA, with citizens just as cooky, if not more. The one time they accepted her invitation to Thanksgiving, was the last ever for the sheriff. He loved her and the town, really, but it was just so bizarre, too bizarre, that a three day stay at Stars Hollow drained the sheriff of all his patience. It was madness, lovable madness, but not something he could handle on a daily basis. Stiles on the other hand, took to it like fish in water and basked in the townies that were bat-shit-insane. He loved them all and went every opportunity he had.

His visits to the east coast dwindled in the past three years seeing as how he was busy helping his wolfy best friend and now, taking care of an entire pack. Seeing as how things had been calm recently, foes all defeated, when the call came in from Babette and Mory, he jumped at the opportunity to go. Shoving whatever clothing he found into a duffel, he was excited for all those crazy festivals the town threw practically every week.

/ / / / / / /

"Erica, stop whining." grit out Derek, the keening noises she was making in the back of her throat grating on his heightened hearing.

"I can't help it!" she snapped, finally breaking the stupor that fell on the pack when Stiles dropped the news on them. "I know you guys feel just as uneasy about the thought of him leaving!"

"Guys, it's just for two weeks, it's not like he's leaving us for good." placated Scott, ignoring the pang he felt in his chest when he said the last part. He didn't miss the grimaced look that flitted across Derek's face either.

"Well, it's simple really." spoke up Boyd, surprising them all. Over the past year, Boyd had taken to Stiles's status as 'pack mom' the most and gotten closer to the spastic boy more than anybody. When Mom and Dad fought, he always sided with Stiles even though it hurt him a bit to go against the alpha. "We go with him. It's just two weeks. I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to claim our territory after our last scuffle with the alpha pack."

And what he said was true. Though none would consider it a victory, they had survived their battle with the crazed pack of alphas, sending out the message to any other pack stupid enough to mess with them. What concerned Derek the most was the message Deucalion left him when the alpha pack retreated. He said that he'd be back to destroy him utterly and take what was most important to him. Cryptic message aside, the pack hadn't seen hide nor hair of them for three months and they were all starting to feel a bit relieved.

Derek pondered a bit on what Boyd said, looking around at everyone's eager faces. "I suppose it'll be okay." he spoke immediately, regretting it, when he got knocked backwards, everyone piling atop him and crowed in happiness.

/ / / / / / / /

"Oh. My. God. We are never, ever taking the car ever again. You guys are insane drivers and being stuck that long in a car is soooo miserable." Stiles bemoaned, the road trip sounding like a great idea when Derek brought up that the pack wanted to come along as well. As soon as the car was in park, Stiles leapt out of the vehicle, flinging himself to the ground and kissed it. He was certain that he was going to die when Allison volunteered to drive and being squished in the back of the jeep with that many people wasn't very comfortable.

The rest of the pack ambled out, not so dramatic as Stiles had been and stretched their tired limbs, gazing out at their surroundings. The red, squat house stood unobtrusively among the surrounding woods, an army of gnomes smiling up at them amongst the yard.

"Uh...it looks..." Scott faltered, trying to come up with a word to describe the unique house.

"Cozy." Isaac piped up, not wanting to offend Stiles.

Stiles laughed, appreciating their concern, but knowing how his 'Aunt's' house looked. She had entirely too much of an affinity for garden gnomes. "Come on in. Make yourselves at home, and don't mind the décor."

/ / / / / /

It was official, this was the weirdest town ever, and that was coming from the pack that lived unusual, supernatural lives. Immediately upon their arrival, a robust woman knocked at their door, Ms. Patty that taught dance, and brought them a welcome wagon: literally, a red wheeled wagon filled with goodies the town's people contributed to. Derek had the misfortune of opening the door to her. Upon spotting the man, Ms. Patty sidled up to him, rubbing her hands up and down his arms, asking him if he danced. Even with his heightened wolf abilities, Derek couldn't escape her roaming hands. Stiles had found this all to be amusing, even going as far as inviting her over for dinner.

/ / / / / / /

The day had been long and tiring, the pack all tuckered and ready to pass out on the blanket and pillow forts they had built in the middle of the living room. Several hours into their slumber, those with werewolf hearing started growling, upset at the man yelling outside at this ungodly hour. Scott elbowed Stiles, seeing if he knew why there were shouts going on in the middle of the night.

"Stiles, Stiles. What the fuck is that?"

It took several more moments for the boy to register what his best friend had said. He snuggled deeper into the hold he was in, faintly aware of the nose being nuzzled into the crook of his neck.

"Wha...?" Stiles mumbled, slowly regaining coherency, taking note that the nose at his pulse point belonged to a one, Derek Hale.

"The yelling?" Scott insisted, impatience coloring his tone.

"What yelling?" Stiles mumbled, then he heard it. Kirk's unmistakable cadence yelling out. "Wait, wait. What did he say? Clown beating? God, not again."

Stiles was more alert now, ears strained to catch Kirk's voice getting closer and clearer. As he got up on his elbows, the alpha growled, tightening his hold, the rumbling reverberating throughout Stile's rib cage. He rubbed soothing circles against Derek's back absent minded, waiting for Kirk to pass near the house.

"Oh!" Stiles exclaimed triumphantly, as the echoes of 'town meeting' filled the room. "No worries guys. It's just a town meeting. "

"Good," Derek mumbled into Stiles neck, making him shiver. "We can all go back to slee-"

"I gotta go to the meeting." Stiles spoke simultaneously as the man draped across him.

"What?" both questioned, scrutinizing each other.

"It's just a stupid town meeting." growled Derek. "At three in the morning, no less."

"Yes, exactly. It's a town meeting, and as I am currently representing a townie, I have got to go and voice my opinions. Last time I didn't go, I missed a presentation about tick season." Stiles declared. He hauled himself up, dislodging Derek's warmth off of him with much regret and pulled on his jacket while wedging his feet into his converses by the door.

The door slammed rather loudly in the quiet of the night and the silence wasn't broken again until Jackson spoke up.

"Fucking weirdest place ever. It's like Stiles found a town populated with people just like him... or, didn't think it was possible, but weirder than him."

The pack couldn't agree more.

/ / / / / /

"So, what exactly is...this?" Scott gestured outside towards what lay beyond the windows. "And how did it get here? I'm pretty sure it wasn't here last night..."

He sneezed then, followed by several others joining in.

"All this hay is killing my nose." Erica sniffled from behind, pawing at her reddened nose desperately.

"What the fuck is this wall of HAY?" Jackson bellowed, angrily throwing his hands up.

"It's what we discussed in the town meeting last night." Stiles mumbled, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Something you guys would also know about if you attended the meeting. Though in hindsight, even if we did attend the stupid thing and voted on it, I feel duped."

"What exactly did you guys vote on?" Derek spoke, coming behind them to join in their observation.

"A giant hay maze." Stiles supplied the answer. "It's been Taylor's dream supposedly, and so instead of the usual Spring Festival, we took pity on him because he was so impassioned and clutching hay and crying, but apparently, he's just allergic to hay and we fell for it. He's even ripping out the gazebo temporarily so we won't have landmarks to guide us through the maze."

The pack all stared at him as if he'd grown another head. This town was unbelievable. Barely here for a night and the entire place had been transformed into a hay maze: a giant hay maze that took over the entire place. The pack could deal with hunters. They could even put up with a kanima. They'd pushed back the alpha pack, sure, but this town, with all its inhabitants and crazy ass town meetings that ended up in _this_, this maze, the pack had no idea what to do. They just decided to close the door on it, ignore the whole thing and headed towards the kitchen to start breakfast.

/ / / / / /

Around noon, the pack had cleared out most of the food in the house, forcing Stiles to go on a food run, seeing as he was the only one to have mastered the maze and wasn't dying from the sheer amount of hay in the air. Sometimes, it sucked to have super senses. He zipped through the maze in record time to arrive at Luke's front steps to pick up his order when he walked into the most unusual situation to date (and he'd run into quite a few. He ran with a werewolf pack for crying out loud, and also, this town).

"Luuuuke! I'm here! Where are my cheeseburgers times ten-" was all Stiles could stammer out when he saw the alpha pack squished into a corner table. Stiles froze. His mind wasn't quite sure whether to fight or flee just yet when the other half of his brain not panicking noticed the nervous edge the members of the pack exuded. Paying closer attention, he zeroed in on their source of discomfort: A Ms. Patty, with a decidedly lecherous leer, fluttering her hands about the male members of the pack.

Stiles would've laughed if the situation wasn't so damn scarily absurd. Here was this pack that caused them so much trouble (still did, and followed them cross-country, no less), rendered useless by the force known as the welcoming committee of Stars Hollow. The tall teen was totally going to use this opportunity to turn and bolt when he caught the pleading look of one of the twins. He wasn't sure which. He felt bad. He knew he shouldn't, but he'd seen how determined she could be and didn't wish her upon anybody, not even his most hated enemies.

Mind made up, he sighed, praying that Derek wouldn't kill him for this, and strode towards the group with a determined set to his shoulders.

"Ms. Patty! Hey! I see you found yourself new people to welcome into the town!"

The woman looked up, startled, and smiled at Stiles. "Yes," Ms. Patty smirked lasciviously at Deucalion. "I, uh, found these poor lost souls in the maze, wandering aimlessly. The poor darlings, they have the hay fever bad. Their faces were all red and it took them forever to stop sneezing."

"Uggghhhhhh... Yeah... I think Kirk was looking for you? Said he had some pretty, juicy gossip." Stiles fibbed, glad that at the very least, she couldn't tell that he was lying. Perking up at the prospect of gossip, she launched herself across the room to an unsuspecting Kirk munching on his toast.

"Need any help?" Stiles commented dryly, looking down at the traumatized alpha pack, huddled in chairs.

"God, YES." the twins chorused, standing up to flank his sides, ushering the other members to quickly, get up before the scary lady got her claws back in.

Walking out the diner, order in hand, Stiles observed the alpha, still stunned and shell shocked as his pack followed behind him much in the same manner.

"It's just...what?!" Deucalion finally spoke, bewildered. "We're the alpha pack. Feared and such...but... I just...we were-"

"Utterly, helpless and powerless in the face of the force that is the official welcoming committee?" Stiles helped him, finishing off the sentence. "Yeah, she has that effect on people. You'll be happy to hear that Derek and the rest of our posse crumbled like a house of cards yesterday, so don't feel bad. You guys get lost in the maze too?"

They nodded, covering their noses with their sleeves as Stiles led them into the maze.

"Sorry guys. Know your noses are all sniffly, but this is the fastest way to get back home."

"You're taking us back to your home?" the female asked, incredulous. "Did you not get the message that we want to end you and your pack?"

"Yes, well, where will that leave you then? You'd be stuck in this town without a convenient guide to help you escape. If you thought those two were bad, you haven't met the rest of the population." Stiles pointed out.

Deucalion chimed in. "Point taken. Perhaps we were hasty in following you here and try to nefariously do you away. I propose a truce." at Stiles' disbelieving face, he clarified. "At least for the duration of our stay here. You help us not get in...situation such as the one back in the diner, ever again, and we'll promise not to do anything for the remainder of your stay. How long are you staying here?" he asked, with desperation in his voice.

"Just two weeks."

The twins groaned, sagging into each other, fearful that within those two weeks, they'd bump into the scary lady with the roaming hands again.

"Oh, cheer up. At least you don't have to meet the other half of the welcoming committee, my second cousin. Combined, you guys would not have gotten out of that situation, period. Mind the gnomes and welcome to the Hollow." Stiles cheerily replied.

/ / / / / /

"Yes, but I still don't see why you had to _befriend and bring back the enemy_!" Derek hissed, face inches away from the teen.

"Listen, you asshat!"Stiles shouted, spit flying out, making Derek flinch back a little. "I couldn't just very well leave them there, poor and defenseless, in the clutches of Ms. Patty, who you would know from yesterday's experiences!"

The two squabbled back and forth, as both packs lounged around the living room, watching the argument unfold, heads going back and forth, as if following a tennis match.

"Oh, my god." Deucalion suddenly spoke up, breaking the pack's concentration. "They don't know."

"Know what?" the Hale pack chorused, looking at the man warily.

"That," he pointed in the arguing couple's direction. "The sexual tension is so ridiculous, you can scoop it with a spoon!"

"Oh, oh that." Erica dead panned, fluttering her fingers, trying to dry her nails quicker. "Yeah, been there, done that. Where were you for the past year, assholes? God, it was unbearable being in the same room as them. They're such oblivious idiots."

"Are you certain?" the female asked, coming closer to the group so that they could gossip amongst themselves as they dodged the tea cozy Derek deflected when Stiles threw it at his face. "When we last approached, he seemed...protective of the human. We were under the guise that he had already claimed him."

"And if he didn't, that just kind of ruins our plan." the twins piped up.

"Plans?" Scott and Isaac asked, unsure of why the enemy was openly telling them their plan of offing them.

"Yes, plan." Deucalion spoke up once more, impassioned. "I was going to slowly and painfully torture his mate in front of him and hoped that would break him! But if he isn't aware of the connection, then this plan is meaningless! It won't have the desired effect, the most maximized, devastating blow I wish to inflict upon him..." he trailed off crest fallen that his plan had to be delayed. It took him months of planning on what rate and which torture methods would best suit his needs. He turned back towards the group once more determined, and leaned forwards, hunched shoulders, in the pose of someone sharing a secret. "I am not abandoning my plan. We have to get them together."

"Wait, wait." Boyd spoke up, putting his hands up in the air to confirm matters. "So, what you're telling us is that you're gonna try to get those two together only so you can tear them apart later?"

"Yup. That pretty much summarizes everything." Deucalion nodded.

Lydia scoffed. "Psh, well, good luck with that. We tried everything in the book to get those two together. Stiles is too oblivious and he just sucks our mighty alpha into the goes-straight-over-my-head-vortex."

"Challenge accepted." one of the twins exclaimed.

"Yeah, we're the alpha pack. There's nothing we can't accomplish!" the other completed.

"Welp, that went well." Danny spoke up from the fringes of the group. "They're gonna crash and burn, aren't they?" the Hale pack nodded. "Well, don't let anyone say that we didn't warn them."

The rest of the group agreed once more, as they observed the other pack huddle around their alpha, plotting to get Stiles and Derek together.


End file.
